Ambition

Ambition is a disease. 

I read The Hot Zone and was a genetics major for two years, so I feel qualified to speak on this issue.

The condition is caused by a highly contagious virus called Impruvacoccal urselvitis (IMPRV-U), with carriers experiencing constant uncertainty, paranoia, and disappointment. 

Although the initial source remains unknown it’s first notable appearance occurred in Medieval Europe. The Renaissance was a time of increased travel throughout the continent, drawing thinkers and artists and merchants out of isolated villages and in into the bustling cities. These people brought new ideas, mesmerizing masterpieces, and stories of exotic places, but they also facilitated the spread of diseases like syphilis, the plague, and IMPRV-U (obviously). 

This was a period that challenged the chokehold religion had on society up to that point, but had yet do invent the mindless listicle, sadly missing the opportunity to share articles such as “Top 27 Things Nutty Nathanial Shouted At The Birds This Week”. “Pick Your Favorite Style Of Chastity Belt And We’ll Tell You How Old You’ll Be When You Die During Childbirth”.  “Henry VI Totally Threw Shade At Charles VII In His Latest Tax Plan And Nobody Noticed Cuz They Can’t Read”.

With less emphasis on the oppressive doctrines warning that any attempt to improve one’s station was an affront to god’s will, citizens from all walks of life could dream of a future that didn’t involve standing barefoot in manure for 16 hours a day, losing a foot to gangrene, and eventually dying of ringworm. 

Parents could send their children out into the world to gain trade skills that would help them land a prestigious and glamours job. Like blacksmith. Instead of farming the fields alongside their families, they could to work among strangers in front of a blazing fire for 16 hours a day, lose a hand to an ill-timed hammer blow, and eventually die of black lung. 

Progress! 

But ambition didn’t just appear out of nowhere. How did the disease enter the population? 

I’ll answer your questions with another question: What is the root of most of the world’s problems?

Old, rich, white men.

These infected individuals were the product of countless generations of inbreeding, which resulted in a highly concentrated version of the virus. The infected then 1%ers introduced the ambition virus into the lower classes by associating with its dingy members for their own amusement. That’s a nice way of saying, they could get poor girls to do that freaky stuff the noble women wouldn’t. 

Pegging isn’t new people. 

So technically, ambition is an STD. And once you’ve slept on a bed that wasn’t stuffed with hay, pig entrails, and your dead grandfather, you’re never getting cured.

In order to not feel gross about sporting infections pustules on their souls, ambitious people have somehow convinced everyone it’s the societal norm. The IMPRV-U positive population worked tirelessly to ostracize those who understood life was, at best, something to be tolerated, until western culture was ultimately conditioned to view the unambitious as the lepers poisoning their communities. 

But they have not eradicated us. 

Effects of Ambition

 You could argue that for any species to survive it needs, at the very least, the ambition to stay alive and reproduce. Well, IMPRV-U is kinda like herpes. Most people are only slightly annoyed if they get a cold sore, but are pretty inconvenienced by an outbreak of weeping genital sores. Similarly, when IMPRV-U is only affecting our ability to get our basic needs met, it’s relatively harmless. It’s when it spreads into the conscious mind that it starts having more dire effects. 

Wars

 People filling their time with thoughts of harvests, or livestock, or childbirth didn’t have any nooks or crannies left in their brains for the virus to live. The upper crust, however, had people to worry about those things for them, and therefore they had ballrooms worth of mental space for IMPRV-U to settle into. 

America

Like rats abetting the proliferation of the bubonic plague, the growth rate of IMPRV-U compounded exponentially on the coattails of a new menace: “The American Dream”. The United States hired the ancestors of the Mad Men guys and sold citizens of all nationalities the fantastic notion that anyone could achieve unlimited success in a Valhalla that would openly present them with a wealth of opportunities to unlock their dormant potential. The narrative that the tall poppy gets cut down transformed into one where the rising tide raises all boats. 

I bet there was a better way to tie those together, but I’m sitting in a Law and Order room waiting for the next round of jury selection,  you’re going to have to settle with what my cranky ass can deliver at the moment. And you’re going to like it!

This new “promised land” not only encouraged people to strive for something better, it demanded it. Settling for the status quo was no longer an isolated personal choice, but an outright slap in the face of your future offspring and an affront to the growth of the whole human race. 

Only an ungrateful miscreant would refuse to capitalize on the new possibilities presented by this magnanimous nation! Why, anyone who could reject the chance to create a better life for yourself, must also wish to see progress stop for all civilization! What if Rockefeller had been content to follow in the footsteps of his father and become a traveling salesman??

The American Dream as a IMPRV-U delivery system went beyond contaminating a single population, then relying on parents to pass it on to their children, but consisted of an additional, time-released infection to subsequent generations. Using an ingenious feedback loop, an individual was driven by the knowledge that all their labor and struggling would result in a strong foundation for their children’s success, and these children were then motivated to achieve this success by the guilt of squandering the sacrifices of their parents. 

But we didn’t ask our parents to bust their humps to build a framework for us to become doctors, lawyers, or reality tv stars. Don’t blame your shitty lives on future life forms that have zero choice in where/when/why/and who they are born to! There’s no spiritual placement agency that matches immaterial psyches with corporeal forms based on a personality test or the “objectives” section of their resumes. That’s some Beetlejuice nonsense. 

As if the shame of disappointing your dilapidated caregivers wasn’t burdensome enough, IMPRV-U has recently evolved a secondary characteristic that not only fills its host with the burning need to flourish, but pressures them to have a personal connection to their endeavors. Today’s generations can no longer decide to go into business because they simply want financial stability and cocaine connections. A job in the service industry is only acceptable for people who are waiting for their creative arts careers to take off. Parents should work second jobs to pay for a nanny rather than sacrifice career growth for family distractions. Parents want their children to be happier than they were, and employers expect applicants to be passionate about an entry level job that doesn’t offer health benefits and requires you to go back for your Master’s to ever get a promotion. 

Passion

Even accepting a position in an established fields is losing credibility as a worthwhile allocation of resources. The world is only interested in trailblazers, entrepreneurs, and visionaries. They want success stories that come from people who chased an unusually sophisticated childhood dream and followed their bliss to the top of a sexy new industry. 

The fight against IMPRV-U is an up-hill battle as the cunning affliction continues to evolve and disseminate at an uncompromising pace. It’s course is unpredictable since it advances not merely by adapting to suit it’s changing environment, but by effectively directing its hosts to create a reality that grows ever more dependent on its existence.  

So, as you can see, it’s not your fault that you’ve been chasing your tail in an effort to always be better than you were yesterday. Society fucked you. 

Luckily for you, I’m smarter than society and only 10% more likely to make you cry.

Quiz

If you're an adult you probably thought you were past the test taking phase of your life. Disappointment is the name of the game, ladies and gentlemen, so get your pencils ready. If you're a child, I’m impressed that you’re being proactive about your mental health and arming yourself against the propaganda that insists you should live a rich, fulfilling life. But you are still going to have to take these quizzes. 

You might wonder why I’m testing you on an intro chapter. Who said these quizzes have anything to do with this book? Maybe I’m going to ask you questions about the metaphysical properties of a three day old pot of Trader Joe's macaroni and cheese sitting on the counter of an AirBnB kitchenette in Argentina. Maybe I just have questions about stuff in general I don’t want to ask Google because we’re currently fighting. Maybe I just like having extra sections in my chapters so all the icons in my writing program look the same. 

Basically, the less you try to understand my process, the better it will be for all of us. Also, it’s my book. If I want to put quiz you after each chapter title I will! Now shut up and answer the damn questions.

1. What was The Hot Zone about?

a. Your crotch b. Killer monkey body-liquidating viruses

c. Diva dinosaurs d. Other books are unimportant

2. What’s my favorite Buzzfeed genre?

a. Tweet dumps b. Quizzes 

c. Celebrity feud updates d. Anything with dog pictures

3. What’s your shitty olden-timey job?

a. Baker b. Royal butt wiper

c. Bull semen collector d. Back alley whore

4. How would you die in the olden-timey times?

a. Tripped into open fire oven b. Beheaded for laughing at a royal butt

c. Impaled on giant bull penis d. Old age

5. What kind of fan art are you going to make?

a. Iron-on T-shirt decal b. Erotic fiction 

c. LEGO movie adaptation d. Interpretive dance

I lost the answer sheet, so just give yourself whatever grade you think you deserve and then deduct 50% because we both know you don’t really deserve that much.