How To Act:

Change

Change

We will start with the basic nature of change (aka what you are about to do) and the role motivation will play in your ability to commit to the process. Keep in mind that since you need to change to cure your ambition, there will probably be some conflict between what is encouraged behavior right now and what will be forbidden in the future. 

It's like extreme plastic surgery; we have to break all the bones in your face, then put you in a special mask that remolds the bones as they heal so you come out looking like a real-life Snapchat filter! 

Which is a real thing. Google it. 

The world is insane.

Change Aversion

Nobody likes change. Even those of us who claim we "crave variety" in our tinder profiles are biologically predisposed to avoid making major changes to our core personality or behaviors. 

It's an icky undertaking, but you’re still reading this book, which means you haven’t learned how to give up everything yet. Thus, the process is necessary.

Also, you should eat more fiber. That’s not really a personality change, but I firmly believe everyone deserves to take great dumps, so I urge you to make the appropriate adjustments to your diet. 

You can thank me later.

So what makes changing so hard? I mean, you totally kept your New Years resolution to drink more water for three and a half weeks straight! And, honestly, you totally could’ve maintained the habit, but you got a huge crack in your favorite bpa-free bottle and the water cooler at the office wasn’t refilled for three days last week and your roommate won’t replace the Brita filter even though you’ve done it practically every other time but she is too self-absorbed to notice all the stuff you do around the apartment so you refuse to deal with a single issue at home until she learns to take some goddamn responsibility for herself! 

So yeah, change can’t really be that hard.

You would say that - fucking dummy.

And, yet again, you would be wrong.

Humans have a biological aversion to changing things like routine behaviors and personality traits. Even if we know a habit is bad for us, we maintain a subconscious death grip on it, the way a child desperately clings to their security blanket when they sense their parent wants to take it away, just because it’s covered in dog vomit. But whyyyyyyyyyy?

We develop behaviors starting at infancy that are aimed at fulfilling our basic needs. As babies, with zero life experience to draw on, we try random actions until any given moment doesn’t feel like a crisis anymore. We bank the things that work and try them out in other situations, storing the ones that continue to serve us well, and adding new ones over time. The more often we engage in a behavior, the more comfortable it becomes, and the more likely we are to continue to repeat it.

This process provides our brains with a general definition for what it considers to be normal, and brains like it when their meat robots are normal.    

This made perfect sense back when we were engaging in daily wars with prehistoric beasts for the very right to exist as a species.

(You remember that time we did that. You and me, specifically.)

Each second spent on decision making could be the difference between life and death, so if a behavior kept you alive it was super convenient to have it programed into an autopilot mode so you could keep staying alive. If it didn’t keep you alive, then you didn’t try that behavior again. Because you were dead. 

Even though our brains have evolved over time, there is still a primitive area that prioritizes staying alive at all costs, and equates that goal with maintaining whatever status quo has kept it alive so far.  This area where all your habits are stored is called the basal ganglia. That’s not really important, I’m just emphasizing that science proves all this stuff is true and, also giving you a fun little factoid to hang onto for trivia night. 

All of that makes it seem like change is impossible, but obviously it’s not or I would’ve just written a book on why you’re doomed to keep being your stupid self the rest of your life. But I didn’t. I am writing a book to free you from your aspirational nightmare of of an existence, and free you I shall. 

What it does mean is that change goes against our nature as humans, so all the people setting resolutions and building new habits for themselves are essentially saying they don’t like being humans, which seems pretty rude to me. 

Stages of Change

First things first, there are five stages that everyone goes through when it's time to make a change. It doesn't matter how special you are, that’s how happens. 

Trust me, I'm the most special, and somehow it happened to me too. 

There is no set time frame for how long you will remain in each stage. You may breeze through one, get stuck in another, or even slide back into a previous stage. It’s like a shitty version of Chutes and Ladders, and that game is already a huge pain in the ass.

Remember, this is your own, unique journey. All that matters is that we get you to that beautiful place where you have internalized my lessons and adopted the giving-up lifestyle for yourself. 

It also matters that you do it right. 

And it also matters that you know I would totally do it better if I was you.

But yeah, stages.

The five stages of change are:

Pre-contemplation

Contemplation

Preparation

Action

Maintenance 

I think they actually sound pretty self explanatory, but I didn’t realize how many words it takes to fill a chapter, so I’m going to elaborate.

Pre-contemplation

This is the stage you’re in before you even think about being in a stage. Kinda seems like not thinking about changing shouldn’t count as a stage, but I guess that means I can tell my boyfriend I’m at the first stage of change when he pleads with me to stop eating eight pieces of caffeine gum a day. 

But shouldn’t he want to support my creative ventures and read my book, thus making him aware of my attempt to mislead him? No, it’s cool, everything is great, why are you changing the subject???

Ahem.

At this early point, others have recognized you have a problematic behavior, but you either are not aware of it or are uninterested in acknowledging it as a problem. Essentially, it’s where you were before I started you on your path to enlightenment. You were unaware that your way of life was ultimately pathetic and futile. 

But I knew. 

That means I’ve pretty much done this step for you.

You’re welcome.

I can also help illustrate with an example.

You’re double welcome.

Meagan loves candy. She used to keep handfuls in every purse and pocket she could fit them in. Some people thought she should eat less candy and more real food. They believed the lack of proper nutrition and constant blood sugar fluctuations were bad for her overall wellbeing. Meagan disagreed and continued to satiate her sweet tooth whenever possible. 

Contemplation

You enter the next stage when you’ve acknowledged that a problem does actually exist. Just acknowledging. That’s it. 

These are some pretty low bars being set. 

Although you are willing to examine what function the behavior in question serves, you are not actually committed to changing yet. Often times people are fully aware of certain habits that conflict with their goals in life, but, equally often, the process of change seems like a bigger burden than the current consequences of the habit. That pesky basal ganglia! 

(Reminder: in the future, all change is a huge pain in the ass and totally not worth doing)

Either you randomly picked up this book and were immediately entranced by my eloquent wisdom, or an annoying coworker gave it as a present and won’t stop asking you how you like it, but by investing time in reading this you've already shown you're willing to take a closer look at yourself.

BOOM step two is done! 

Maybe change IS easy!

Meagan realized it was very annoying to have to stealthily try to hide all the candy she kept under her pillows every time she brought someone home from the bar, and therefore considered whether her desire to have sugar within reach at all times outweighed the awkwardness of peeling a rogue laffy taffy wrapper off a stranger’s taint. She ultimately decided that it generally takes a lot more than a sticky perineum for a guy to change his mind about sex, but decided to consider whether any adjustments to her regular candy practices could be beneficial.

Preparation

This stage comes once you've committed to the idea of change, and you begin investigating the appropriate resources to help you successfully execute it. We’re 3/5 steps in and no attempt at changing has taken place. Reminds me of the format of my book…..

People who decide to do things cold turkey typically skip this step, but also tend to fail miserably. I’m telling you to do it this time, so just shut up and do it. It’s worth remembering for the future though!

Although this stage is crucial for successfully navigating the struggles that will arise during the process, it’s also easy to get sucked into a black hole of preparation. Have you ever gone on Pinterest to get a crock pot recipe and ended up creating a list of twenty kid-approved dinners for a family you don’t have, fourteen different themed wedding plans for an engagement that doesn’t exist, and three comprehensive breakdowns of how to DIY renovate every room of a house you don’t own? 

That’s too much prep. Don’t do it like that.

Actually, there’s no investigation necessary. I’m providing you with the definitive work on reversing your happiness. Beyond my years of personal tutorage in the dark arts of “mental health”, I’ve also absorbed knowledge from the essentials in dopamine deficiency since I was a wee tot. From Holden Caulfield to Eeyore, I’ve perfected pessimism with the best classic literature has to offer, so don't even bother compiling more resources.  

I think it has become obviously that I don’t trust you to do things for yourself.

Meagan knew she would be left with a gaping emptiness in her life once candy was eliminated, so she needed to look for ways to fill this hole. [Insert dick joke] [[Insert “that’s what she said” for saying “insert dick”]] She researched sugar addiction, nutritional guidelines, and healthy substitutions. 

Spoiler alert for the next phase: she didn’t do enough research on how real food works. 

Action

Once you actually believe you are capable of change and start following through with the necessary steps to make it happen, you’ve officially entered the doing-stuff phase! 

It’s about damn time!

Since you’re still a well adjusted person, you’re probably used to believing in your ability to reach your goals. This is the only time you’re allowed to use that optimism. 

You’re not allowed to give up on learning how to give up! 

Throughout this book I’ll be giving you all the actions you’ll need to take in order to reach our desired state of givingupedness, and I’ll be really bummed out if you don’t actually do them. 

Meagan used her research to spent a small fortune at Whole Foods on sweet fruits and crunchy veggies to mimic some of the properties of her beloved vice. She then watched a week’s paycheck disappear as 95% of the preservative free consumables rot. Meagan hated the idea of going to the grocery store more than once a month, so she gave up on the initial plan to reprogram her cravings through proper nourishment and switched exclusively to gum chewing.

Maintenance

After you’ve attained the level of change you set out for, the last stage is just the ongoing preservation of your new behaviors. It’s basically like a watered down version of the action phase. You’ll continue to work on your new skills to avoid relapsing, except every so often you’ll get super frustrated with the idea that change is a never ending process, and have a whole crisis about your commitment, and have to tackle the process all over again. 

How great does that sound?!!

This part is mostly on you, since I’ve done literally everything else for you, but if you are feeling the urge to reintroduce any amount of ambition in your life you can remind yourself that I am watching you, and I will individually pluck out all of the hair off your body until you stop feeling optimistic about life. 

Starting with your pubes. 

Meagan was an absolute nightmare without candy. After three weeks, her friends announced they wouldn’t hang out with her until she stopped being a super bitch. Actually, she didn’t really make it to the maintenance stage. She went back to eating obscene amounts of candy, which made everyone* happy, and never attempted to alter her sugar consumption again (*except for all those friends and family members who feared for her health).  

REMEMBER: the ONLY time you are expected/allowed to commit to successfully achieving change is while you are breaking the habits you formed before you met me. Once we get your pesky self-preservation and ambition-driven practices replaced with the behaviors I’ll be presenting, there will be no need to change because you will become perfect. 

You’re still welcome to try every so often, because the feelings of defeat and failure that follow an unsuccessful attempt at change will strengthen your internal helplessness and make giving up even more appealing.

Keep in mind, when it comes to abandoning future change I’m not suggesting you can only give up during the pre-contemplation stage. On the contrary, the more effort you put in to attempting a change, the more frustrating it will be when you ultimately abandon your attempt. Giving up during the action and early maintenance stages will really solidify the overall futility of attempting any further change. 

And that’s what I really want for you. 

A realistically hopeless expectation for the future.

Let’s move on to some activities. 

I’m telling you right off the bat, I will not be making worksheets for you. I’ll try to make the intention of the activities as clear as possible with examples and shit, but I want you to have total freedom to complete them in whatever way that feels right for your unique learning style. This is your journey, so the more ownership you take over the process, the more personal it will feel, and the more ingrained these practices will become in your everyday life. 

It’s definitely not because I’m lazy.

Why don’t we start with an easy activity right now. I’m assuming you’ve been taking extensive notes as you’ve read, so don’t be afraid to reference them. Oh, you didn’t take notes? No no no, I get it, you were looking forward to rereading my beautiful words and experiencing the genius on brand new levels over and over. Well, too bad. All the chapters self destruct after you read them, so there’s no going back. EVER!

Oh man, could you imagine. That’s like Inspector Gadget meets Harry Potter or something. Also, would the book be able to tell who read the section and only hide the text from that specific person, or would skimming through a book at a store totally delete those pages for the next person? Libraries would be so fucked. Sounds like a pretty pointless technology. 

Glad I’m still talking about it. 

Notes. Yes. Proud if you have them. Not that bothered if you don’t. 

I love you no matter what. 

JK, there’s no such thing as unconditional love and we’re all only one mistake away from being abandoned by those we hold dearest.

 BUT, I do want you to be the best givingupper you can be! I would also really like to see how you’re doing, so please post pictures of your work and tag it #givingupformeagan. That way I can give feedback on all the ways you’re not good enough! 

Ok, on to the first activity!

Identify which stage of change you are currently at. 

Judge yourself for not being further along.

See, that wasn’t so hard. It’s common to fluctuate back and forth between the different stages, so mark this as an activity to revisit often. This will not only prompt you to check in with your current commitment level, but also  remind you that you can always be doing better.