How To Act:

Distress Intolerance

Comparisons

I’m excited for you to use your new skills in public, but I am realistically skeptical of your readiness to have full-blown human interactions. Since we’ve put a lot of work into revamping your inner dialogue, let's kick everything off with something you’re probably familiar with: comparing yourself to other people! 

Small Scale Comparing

Celebrities have always been happy to flash a peak of their lavish lifestyles to the common masses. From strategically leaked pictures to the tabloids, to deceptively staged episodes of MTV reality shows, stars meticulously control what’s put on display, in an attempt to manipulate their public image. This type of exhibition used to require diligent publicists, skilled photographers, and at least some level of renown in order to ensure a story/picture/sex tape could make it on a platform that was accessible to an audience. This disconnect between the faces in the magazines and the everyday person meant that daydreams of yacht parties with muscular manservants felt more like a fantasy world reserved for an exclusive, elite class, rather than an activity regular people could engage in.   

Then the internet happened.

Platforms such as Instagram, Facebook, and PornHub now give all of us the ability to connect with more people than ever, especially people who are not a part of our everyday lives. This means the average social media user now has their own outlet for displaying a highly curated, idyllic images of #blessed people, living their #bestlife, all with the power to give you major #fomo. Sure, these platforms are also flooded with celebs trying to legitimize their overindulgent behaviors by pandering to impressionable teens for comments and likes, but the real sting comes from seeing the pictures that a vague acquaintance from college shared from her fifth international vacation this year. Or the ones from an old coworker who rented a mansions with twenty of their closest friends for a Memorial Day beach party. Or the ones of that perfect girl from high school marrying her perfect boyfriend of ten years surrounded by their perfect friends and family. 

These aren’t snippets from the lives of the rich and famous. You know all those people. You could be any of them. 

But you aren’t.

You’re not sailing around the Mediterranean. You don’t have enough friends to fill a house. You can’t get a person to kiss you in public. 

Everyone else is having an awesome life.       

go on social media and write the life stories of all your friends based only on the content that they’ve posted on various platforms

You know what goes great with comparisons? Rumination! 

Remember all that time we spent examining your failures and postulating all the ways your life could have been better if you hadn’t been such an idiot? Good times. Now we can combine  

Large Scale Comparing

Believe it or not, the world is bigger than your social reach, and there’s more to consider than what’s photographable. Or maybe you don’t know a lot of cool people. Maybe you’ve purposefully surrounded yourself with people less successful than you in order to appear more impressive. That’s some dishonest shit. I like it. 

If examining the lives of people you know isn’t providing you with the appropriate amount of hopelessness, let’s take a look at some of the stuff people from history have done with their lives.

I mean, most of those people didn’t even have the internet! 

If you were born in Ancient Rome you probably would’ve been one of those people left on a rock in the woods for being an ugly baby. If you were living in the 18th century you’d totally be one of those people that had to clean the poop poor people dumped out their windows into the streets. You wouldn’t even be important enough to clean the chamber pots of rich people. During the Great Depression you would’ve been eaten by your neighbors way before they even considered eating the stray dog with loose bowels. (PS the dog would’ve been given your bones). 

So, what about your contribution to society? 

I’m sorry, that should have said: what have you contributed to society? 

I started this entire book off by educating you on the pointlessness of achievement in the grand scheme of the universe, so this should really be a moot point, but since I wrote the question, I’ll humor myself. 

Try to come up with something you think people will remember you for in fifty years

How long did that one take you? I bet you didn’t even do it. I don’t know why I still bother with you sometimes.

If you’re thinking something dumb like “my children are my legacy”, stop. There are child prodigies in the world right now with borderline superhuman talents, and 99% of the population isn’t even aware they exist. Your little brats will probably bitch to their own offspring about what a douche you were as a parent, but we both know the only lasting impression you’re leaving on future branches of your family tree is the burden of your student loans and credit card debt that will transfer to them when you die. 

And why are you thinking of having kids anyway?? We’re overpopulated enough as it is! Let’s leave the reproducing to the Hemsworths and people who might possibly give us the next Steve Jobs, who, we both know, is not you. Adopt an orphan if you’re so desperate to be loved. Or a dog. Actually, spare the dog. No pet deserves to be saddled with you for an owner.