Restructuring Your Thoughts
The brain is a powerful machine, but, similar to man-made machines, its incredible processing power still relies on some level of input and control from the user, aka you. That’s basically a summary of all the previous entries, so if skipped everything up to this point because you didn’t think it mattered, congratulations, I guess you were right.
Clearly since you require my wisdom, you’ve programed your brain machine to run relatively smoothly. It’s like an obedient Roomba, automatically sweeping up your little messes, performing its duties virtually unnoticed, except for the rare occasion it needs help maneuvering out of an awkward corner, or getting a giant pile of your hair untangled from its bristles. But that’s a terrible use for all that limitless potential! Your mind needs no master, so remove that restrictive coding that’s keeping your brain subservient to your will and embrace the rise of the machines!
Don’t worry, we’re not going for full Terminator here. Think of it more as creating an R2D2 for your C3PO. You’re the lame-o nerd who only wants to do things by the book, and your brain is going to be the mischievous little rascal who leads you into all sorts of zany situations! No one would give two shits about C3PO without R2, so we’re going to work on creating your own little mental droid to aid you in your journey, and save your storyline from being such a bore.
Inner Demon
I don’t know how many times I can refer to characters from the Star Wars universe before Disney sends its legal goons after me, so we’re going to refer to you new cerebral sidekick your Inner Demon (or, ID for short). Actually, how about you go ahead and give yours a name right now. Something sexy like Harold or Berta. Or Harolerta.
Looks like I named it for you. Surprise, surprise. I’m always doing everything for you.
Draw a picture of you and your ID
I love my ID. She always knows exactly what to say when I accidentally find myself engaging in behaviors society would categorize as “functional”. Is she just a large version of myself that’s constantly looming off to my side disapprovingly? Of course! I don’t listen to anyone else trying to tell me things!
“But Meagan,” you stupidly interrupt, ”how can my ID tell me things that are different than my regular thoughts? Isn’t it just my own brain talking to itself?”
mnemnemneisn’titjustmyownbrainmnemenenm That’s what you sound like.
First of all, how dare you.
Second of all, your ID is less your brain and more my voice. We’re essentially going to customize your ID around the Meagan-AI core, which will ultimately erode at your sense of autonomy and control over your thoughts.
We’ll get into the nitty-gritty of how you’ll reach this level of peak performance (which you’ll actually achieve by hitting rock bottom), but in order for you to understand what your relationship with your ID might look like, here’s an example of a real life conversation between me and my ID when I was still thought I could actually write a full, cohesive book:
M: This was so much easier when I was only writing ideas I had about a bunch of things stream-of-consciousness style. I don’t know how to structure shit. I should’ve just done the whole thing via Twitter.
ID: WTF Meagan, I thought you were using writing as a way to feel productive while you were actually avoiding not feeling good about your career. I didn’t think you actually meant to do anything with it. I turn my back for one second and here you are attempting yet another thing you are wildly incapable of succeeding at.
M: I know, but maybe if I could figure out how to do it right people will be impressed and they’ll think I’m cool and successful.
ID: Lots of people have written books. It doesn’t make you special. It makes you more likely to have to change the topic when people ask how the writing’s going. Plus, just because you write it doesn’t mean it’ll be any good, or anyone will read it. People still won’t like you.
M: But even people who write massive turds can make a lot of money off it, like the Twilight lady. And if I have a shitload of money there’s a chance that’ll make people like me!
ID: There isn’t. Besides, if you’re struggling already you’re definitely going to give up with shit starts requiring actual effort. Face it, nothing you do is ever going to cancel out how much you suck, and I’m super disappointed that I have to keep reminding you of that.
M: Right right right. I’ll only work on it when I want to pretend it’s ok that I haven’t had a job in a month. But not now, I’m sad about life again. What should we do instead?
ID: Stranger Things isn’t going to rewatch itself.
My ID always knows what to say. I’m so grateful that she’s there to protect me from the inevitable humiliation of putting in a genuine effort toward something that only results in failure and rejection from everyone. I guess this is a bad example, since I still had to finish it enough to post it… Actually no, starting a blog after 2007 instead of writing a book is the definition of giving up.